Factory Farm Lampoon Ask 

by  Myles Zavelo

Yesterday afternoon, a special worm wormed his way into me. Well, actually, this extremely special male worm sent me a text message. He requested a lampoon, and I was extremely flattered. More specifically, a lampoon of factory farms.

And I turned rather gently to my beloved and asked, “What does this mean?”

She was drinking a syrupy Bellini. She drinks bags of them all the time. And she answered, “I haven’t the slightest clue!”

And then I turned rather gently to my beloved once more and asked, “What about these factory farms? What are they? Where are they?”

And she answered, “Once more! I haven’t the slightest idea! Bitch! Blah!”

We looked it up. These factory farms. We were shattered.

River Phoenix was a vegan from the age of seven. In 1992, he won PETA’s Humanitarian Award for his fund-raising efforts. He also campaigned for Bill Clinton in the 1992 U.S. presidential election.

And I turned rather gently to my beloved once again and asked, “What should I do for this special worm!? How will I begin to lampoon!?”

She put her Bellini down and said, “Just make them gay! The pigs, cows, worms, chickens! The lot of them!”

“What?” I responded, as my beloved lit up a Vogue SuperSlim.

She inhaled. She exhaled. Her mood improved instantly.

She said, “It’s like wire cages metal crates big filthy windowless sheds dark sooty air fear disease infection no sun no family to raise grow faster can’t lie down so worn out and then you get your throat slit you get skinned––you know, the slaughterhouse.”